I've been working with a personal trainer now for 9 months and have seen significant results. Pants that used to fit are now saggy in the butt and hang loose off my hips, but on the plus side, I'm shopping my old wardrobe, now able to fit into pants that had grown too tight over the last few years, and shirts that made my muffin top all too apparent. How thrilling is that?!
You know what's even more awesome? I'm actually wearing belted skirts with my top tucked in! I don't think I've EVER done that before in my life - at least not with a measure of confidence!!
Despite how proud I am of my leaner self, I'm rather embarrassed by the attention it's garnering. It's not that I haven't been transparent about my efforts. I've talked openly about my workouts and the changes I've made to my diet including the days I go low-carb/high-protein now that I'm in burn, so I should be happy that people are noticing. But when my manager says, in the middle of a conversation, "Check out the pipes on this girl!" I squirm. If I was a guy, I'd probably flex my arm in response just to show it off but instead I feel self-conscious. And when another manager callls me a Skinny Minnie and my colleagues comment on how great I look, I feel uncomfortable because of the attention.
I know I should get over it, turn it around and be proud because I've worked so hard for these results. But changing one's self-image takes time. Not to say that my self-image was horrible before. I know I sound like an ass when I say this but I know I'm pretty, and have even been called beautiful on occasion, though not usually cute, which is fair because I'm far too serious to be considered cute. (I know, I'm an ass, but please, indulge me here.) Yet I've never had the stereotypical thin Asian girl body. I take after my decidedly pear-shaped aunt so have always been self-conscious about that, always comparing myself to other Asian girls.
I know I will never be a skinny Asian girl - my hips will always be curvier and my bosom will always be, um, shall we say, modest, but I can learn to revel in the strength of my body. I can do straight leg deadlifts and one arm rows with 65lb dumb bells and 100lb bar squats; I can even do real push-ups - 2 sets of 15, no less! - and I don't look like a butch. I made it very clear to my trainer that I didn't want to look butchy. How many skinny Asian girls can say the same?